Why doesn’t the sun go to college?
Because it already has a million degrees.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.
How did Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
Why did the dolphin cross the beach?
To get to the other tide!
Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they’re shellfish!
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle!
Why does a seagull fly over the sea?
Because if it flew over the bay, it would be a baygull.
Some people can tell the time by looking at the Sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.
Dad Jokes
Two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other “do you know how to drive this thing?”
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
I’m on a seafood diet, I see food and eat it!
I’ve just watched a TV show about beavers, it was the best dam show I’ve ever seen!
There’s been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There’s nothing left but de Brie.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
And finally, not necessarily a Dad joke, but a joke about a Dad:
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
February, the month of love and romance but sometimes we need a little pointer in the right direction. Here are 7 of our favourite (and slightly cheesy) chat up lines:
Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber.
Do you play soccer? Because you’re a keeper!
Let me tie your shoes, because I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Ridiculous New Year’s ResolutionsLose weight by inventing the anti-gravity machine
Lose weight by hiding it somewhere you’ll never find it
Watch more cute and cuddly kitten videos on YouTube
Save some money for a rainy day. That way I can shop online instead of having to go to an actual store
Spend less time with people and more time with pets
Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it
Wear workout clothes because they are comfortable not because you are going to the gym
Reject adulthood no matter how hard it gets
Read more… funny stuff on the internet
Forgive your past mistakes so you have room for new ones
Take a walk every day… or at least briefly think about it
New Year’s Resolutions:
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9 Banging Bonfire Night JokesOne to light the match and three to hold the fire extinguisher
A firequacker
Dinomite
He charged one and let the other one off
Bangers and mash
I’ve got a flare for it.
One to light the match and four to design the t-shirt
I shouldn’t have lit the fireworks near the washing
That’s bang out of order
Eight Amazing Autumnal Facts to Fascinate Your FriendsAutumn as defined by the Earth’s orbit around the sun and starts on the equinox which falls on either 22 or 23 September.
One of the most stunning signs of Autumn is the turning of the leaves. The shorter days are a sign to trees to begin to prepare for winter.
In winter there is not enough light for photosynthesis to occur, so as the days shorten, the trees begin to close their production systems and reduce the amount of chlorophyll in their leaves and have a rest.
As the chlorophyll decreases, other chemicals such as Flavanoids, Carotenoids and Anthocyains are responsible for the vibrant ambers, reds and yellows of autumn.
Did you know some of these chemicals are the same ones that give carrots (beta-carotenes) and egg yolks (luteins) their colours?
A study in the Journal of Aging Research found that babies born during the autumn months are more likely to live to 100 than those born during the rest of the year. The Queen must be busy at this time of year!
The word equinox comes from the Latin equi (meaning equal) and nox (meaning night) accounting for the equinox marking the time when day and night are of equal length.
We often notice the nights begin to draw in from this point as after the Autumn equinox, the night longer than the day, until this is reversed at the Spring equinox.
Generally speaking the autumn equinox always falls on either 22 or 23 September, but not quite always.
As the Gregorian calendar is not quite in perfect symmetry with the Earth’s orbit, the autumn equinox very occasionally falls on September 24. This will next happen in 2303.
In Greek mythology, autumn began when Persephone was abducted by Hades to be the Queen of the Underworld. In distress Persephone’s mother, Demeter (the goddess of the harvest), caused all the crops on Earth to die until her daughter was returned, marking spring.
We often think of ‘Fall’ as the North American version of the word ‘Autumn’, but it was in fact in widespread use in England until relatively recently.
The word autumn entered English from the French automne and didn’t become common usage until the 18th century.
Summer SillinessWhich nut can be used as money?
A cash-ew.
MOTHER: What should we name our son?
FATHER: Pistachio.
MOTHER: Who would name their child Pistachio?
FATHER: A couple of nuts.
What did the nut say when it sneezed?
“Cashew!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash, who?
No, thanks. I prefer peanuts!
What do you call a Coconut in a spacesuit?
An astronut!
Where did the coconuts go to have a few drinks?
The Snack Bar!
Where do coconut drivers go to fill their tanks?
The Shell station!
What kind of nuts hang?
Wallnuts
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?
Because they peel!
Why did the banana go out with the prune?
Because he couldn’t find a date.
Coconuts are a prehistoric plant that scientists believe came from the South Pacific around what is now known as New Guinea.
The sailors aboard Vasco de Gama’s ships gave the coconut its name. They called it “Coco”, named after a grimacing face or hobgoblin. When the “coco” came to England, the suffix of nut was added and that’s how the name came about.
Coconut oil contains medium chain triglycerides which are easy to digest. The oil is source of energy and has a quickening effect on the metabolism.
Coconut oil contains four growth hormones that help the development of many organisms. Coconut water is considered the “father of modern tissue culture science”.
Coconut water can be used as a substitute for blood Plasma!!!
They grow from sandy soil and an abundant amount of sun and rain. They are frequently found near the ocean and are so strong that they can remain the tasty fruit we all know even with the excessive salt in the air.
Coconut trees belong to the plant family known as Arecaceae and are the only species of the genus Cocos. They can grow up to 30 meters high.
Coconuts are the seeds of the coconut palm tree and considered a type of fruit. The “meat” of the coconut is high in protein; whereas the milk is refreshing, light and low in sugar.
Aside from their culinary purposes, they are also used for cosmetic purposes as well as a mosquito repellent.
Most plants have tap roots. However, the coconut tree has a fibrous root system. The tree gains the nutrition from thin branching roots growing from the stem.
Seven silly seasonal anecdotesNo, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season.
@sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
Lew Schneider
Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation.
Kin Hubbard
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.
I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”
Phil Noyes, Yakima, Washington
When I overheard one of my cashiers tell a customer, “We haven’t had it for a while, and I doubt we’ll be getting it soon,” I quickly assured the customer that we would have whatever it was she wanted by next week. After she left, I read the cashier the riot act.
“Never tell the customer that we’re out of anything. Tell them we’ll have it next week,” I instructed her. “Now, what did she want?”
“Rain.”
Twice a year, we change the clocks for daylight-savings time. And twice a year, my normally punctual assistant arrives late to work the Monday after we do so. I finally had to find out why. “Do you have a problem remembering to spring forward or fall back?” I asked. “Oh, no,” she said, pouring herself a cup of coffee. “What gets to me is staying up until 2 a.m. to change my clock.”
— Contributed by Nancy M. Payne
Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”
Jerry Seinfeld
February, the month of love and romance! Here are 10 quirky facts about Valentine’s Day that you may not know!
In Finland Valentine’s Day is called Ystävänpäivä which translates to “Friend’s Day” and the love of friendship is celebrated.
It is widely believed that the X symbol became synonymous with the kiss during medieval times. Those who were unable to write their names signed in front of a witness with an X. The X was then kissed to show their sincerity.
Again, in medieval times, girls would eat bizarre foods on this day to help them dream of their future spouse.
King Henry VII declared February 14th the Holiday of St Valentine’s in 1537. His son was certainly a lady’s man!
In the 1800’s, doctors often advised patients to eat chocolate to ease the pain of a broken heart.
Each Valentine’s Day, the Italian City of Verona, the setting of Romeo and Juliet, received about 1000 letters addressed to Juliet.
10% of ALL marriage proposals will happen on Valentine’s Day!
During the Middle Ages, people would draw names from a bowl to determine who would be their valentine. They would then pin the name to their sleeve for a week, so everyone could see. This is where we get the expression “to wear your heart on your sleeve” from.
February 14th is also a day to celebrate being single and is also known as Singles Awareness Day (SAD for short)…
It is the second largest seasonal card sending time of year with around 1 billion cards being sent around the globe.
